A message to others
I was given an assignment by Princessxjazmyn to write about what it was like before i started being trained by Her, and when i first started with Her up to where i'm at now. She then said i need to share what i wrote here because there are others like me that would benefit from reading it and realize that they are not alone.
well when i think about where i was before Princessxjazmyn. i think of being hopeless wanting to take the next step in what i know deep down i want but being afraid and feeling guilty that i shouldn't want this. in the past iv done things to try to "scratch" the itch of what i want, what i long for. like the first time i tried anal i watched a video of a girl her name is kaisa i was really attracted to her she has this video where she is dressed in pretty, bright, girly clothes and she has a dildo mounted to her bed and she gets on all fours and fucks that dildo hard. i remember watching it and it was the first time i remember thinking "i wish i was her" i would watch it and watch it and eventually had to try it i made a dildo out of pvc pipe i was still living at home and couldn't order an actual dildo. then i put it between my mattress and box spring lubed it with shaving cream played her video and fucked myself like her. that i think was my first step toward being a sissy even though at the time i didn't think of myself as a sissy.
then latter i started to be curious about shemale porn. i would pick a video that might have a shemale in it or might not. and i always remember being disappointed that the girl didn't turn out to be a shemale....i mean i was watching a sexy girl get fucked or masturbate or strip and i was disappointed that she didn't have a cock....eventually i realized if i wanted a quick cum a shemale vid was the way to do it. bailey jay was my favorite i remember spending hours at a time looking at anything i could find about her. i remember wishing i could look like her. there it is again hopeless wanting to be her and feeling hopeless that i never could.
eventually i got deeper into exploring myself at the time i lived in the garage at my parents house the laundry room was in there to so when my sister did laundry she would leave the basket in there so at night i would grab a pantie put it on, masturbate and then put it back in the dirty laundry basket. a couple times i would wear her skirt she had a jean one i liked to wear. but i couldn't wear it for long because i couldn't risk getting caught. while exploring what i liked i found a web site called milovana.com....if i live to be a hundred i don't think i could forget that name i went there on a daily basis. its a site that has what they call webteases people make a webtease witch is basically a series of tasks to do with pics of sexy girls sometimes shemales and rarely guys. its where i learned alot about kink what i liked what i didn't like. i experimented with piss play there. it had a tease where you pee in a cup and drink it. i remember trying it and not liking it. i tried so many things there clothes pins...on my ears,nose,lips,tongue,nipples,all down my stomach, on my cock head and shaft, on my balls, on my thighs pretty much everywhere. i learned i liked that.
i tried cbt,light bondage,ice cubes....inserted in my ass is my fav. even the first time i shaved my legs was from reading a webtease. when i moved out i had freedom i could do all the things in the webteases. i could buy my own clothes my own toys. and i thought it would be enough i thought i would be ok with this play by myself. but it wasn't i found sites that let you webcam with people. that's where i learned how submissive i am. playing with my clit for people on cam turned me on so much but what turned me on more was when i would find a dom or domme. and do what they said. whether it was as little as cumming because they said to. or cumming how they said to cum or spanking, showing my ass, spreading my cheeks, it didnt matter i loved it all. but then came the questions. "have you ever been with a guy?" "have you ever had your dick sucked?" "have you ever been with a girl?" and my answers where always no. i started to realize i was missing something.
i would find guys online and kinda strong arm them into being my master. they would give me tasks to do like watch a lot of porn but don't cum, spank myself, fuck myself, take a pic of my panties or clit while at work or just out somewhere..that kinda turns me on doing things throughout the day causing me to realize who's in charge. like sitting to pee or looking at guys crotches imagining what their cock looks like. all that was fun but i still had a desire. i wanted to be like the girls in the videos. i needed to be with a guy. but how? i was too afraid. i actually got desperate once and put out a craigs list add. i was shocked at how much positive feed back i got but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. then i went through a period of guilt and that's when i thought "ok this is wrong i need to stop" and got rid of everything i had that was girly or used in my playing.
it lasted a few months but never went away that's when i came back and started checking my fetlife account again reading the alerts. eventually i saw Princessxjazmyn's post i wasn't gonna read it but i decided to and as i read it. i kept thinking "this is what you have been looking for all these years" that She help's people understand this at a psychological level i couldn't believe it. it had to be too good to be true. i had been jaded by the last mistress i served she sucked me in thinking she would be my mistress. and gave me tasks to do that were fun. but then a week into it she said i needed to pay $1000 to her in order to continue when i told her i couldn't afford that. she got pissed at me and called me names. being submissive it crushed me. i was broken, i just wanted help, someone to understand me.
and then i talked to Princessxjazmyn and i could tell right away She was different. the first task She gave me was to go back to my first cross dress experience and then She showed me how it wasn't evil that it was something that relaxed me. that i used it to cope. i mean it was then i realized She is amazing. but it didnt stop there. She gave me the push i needed to show my face on cam, to talk on cam,....to eat my cum, to stay on cam even though i came. to be forced to face what i did and not feel bad about it. to write it down to express myself through it. and then came the time i wanted to have a webcam session with Her. at first it was easy no big deal but as the day got closer i started to get real nervous having no idea what to expect.
then She was there and almost at once i realized. why was i scared? She was so good at calming me, making me feel relaxed. it was really one of the best times i ever had. and the more i talked to Her it was like 20 years of fear and worry was gone i don't know if She noticed but during that session She asked, do i want to suck a cock? do i want to get fucked by a guy? i kept saying yes. well one of the times i said yes i was over whelmed with emotion. actually admitting what i wanted all these years. i cried, i was so relieved to admit to what i want i cried.
witch leads me to something iv known but been to afraid to admit. and its this. i think i should have been born a girl. and it terrifies me. but iv always kinda known iv just been to afraid to admit it. i know i can never live as a girl i just cant do it. not here, the only way i could even consider it would be to move to another state far enough away from everyone i know that i could be myself without the repercussions of them knowing. and i just don't see that happening. however before Her i never thought i would actually be with a guy and look where i am. i just chatted online with a guy that i will probably be with at some point. so with Her i have hope. i no longer feel hopeless. and i think that's what She has done the most for me, is give me hope. and i don't know if i can ever express to Her how much that means to me. i cant thank Her enough.
i hope if you have read this and relate with any of it. that this may help you in understanding you are not alone and you don't have to feel hopeless.
well when i think about where i was before Princessxjazmyn. i think of being hopeless wanting to take the next step in what i know deep down i want but being afraid and feeling guilty that i shouldn't want this. in the past iv done things to try to "scratch" the itch of what i want, what i long for. like the first time i tried anal i watched a video of a girl her name is kaisa i was really attracted to her she has this video where she is dressed in pretty, bright, girly clothes and she has a dildo mounted to her bed and she gets on all fours and fucks that dildo hard. i remember watching it and it was the first time i remember thinking "i wish i was her" i would watch it and watch it and eventually had to try it i made a dildo out of pvc pipe i was still living at home and couldn't order an actual dildo. then i put it between my mattress and box spring lubed it with shaving cream played her video and fucked myself like her. that i think was my first step toward being a sissy even though at the time i didn't think of myself as a sissy.
then latter i started to be curious about shemale porn. i would pick a video that might have a shemale in it or might not. and i always remember being disappointed that the girl didn't turn out to be a shemale....i mean i was watching a sexy girl get fucked or masturbate or strip and i was disappointed that she didn't have a cock....eventually i realized if i wanted a quick cum a shemale vid was the way to do it. bailey jay was my favorite i remember spending hours at a time looking at anything i could find about her. i remember wishing i could look like her. there it is again hopeless wanting to be her and feeling hopeless that i never could.
eventually i got deeper into exploring myself at the time i lived in the garage at my parents house the laundry room was in there to so when my sister did laundry she would leave the basket in there so at night i would grab a pantie put it on, masturbate and then put it back in the dirty laundry basket. a couple times i would wear her skirt she had a jean one i liked to wear. but i couldn't wear it for long because i couldn't risk getting caught. while exploring what i liked i found a web site called milovana.com....if i live to be a hundred i don't think i could forget that name i went there on a daily basis. its a site that has what they call webteases people make a webtease witch is basically a series of tasks to do with pics of sexy girls sometimes shemales and rarely guys. its where i learned alot about kink what i liked what i didn't like. i experimented with piss play there. it had a tease where you pee in a cup and drink it. i remember trying it and not liking it. i tried so many things there clothes pins...on my ears,nose,lips,tongue,nipples,all down my stomach, on my cock head and shaft, on my balls, on my thighs pretty much everywhere. i learned i liked that.
i tried cbt,light bondage,ice cubes....inserted in my ass is my fav. even the first time i shaved my legs was from reading a webtease. when i moved out i had freedom i could do all the things in the webteases. i could buy my own clothes my own toys. and i thought it would be enough i thought i would be ok with this play by myself. but it wasn't i found sites that let you webcam with people. that's where i learned how submissive i am. playing with my clit for people on cam turned me on so much but what turned me on more was when i would find a dom or domme. and do what they said. whether it was as little as cumming because they said to. or cumming how they said to cum or spanking, showing my ass, spreading my cheeks, it didnt matter i loved it all. but then came the questions. "have you ever been with a guy?" "have you ever had your dick sucked?" "have you ever been with a girl?" and my answers where always no. i started to realize i was missing something.
i would find guys online and kinda strong arm them into being my master. they would give me tasks to do like watch a lot of porn but don't cum, spank myself, fuck myself, take a pic of my panties or clit while at work or just out somewhere..that kinda turns me on doing things throughout the day causing me to realize who's in charge. like sitting to pee or looking at guys crotches imagining what their cock looks like. all that was fun but i still had a desire. i wanted to be like the girls in the videos. i needed to be with a guy. but how? i was too afraid. i actually got desperate once and put out a craigs list add. i was shocked at how much positive feed back i got but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. then i went through a period of guilt and that's when i thought "ok this is wrong i need to stop" and got rid of everything i had that was girly or used in my playing.
it lasted a few months but never went away that's when i came back and started checking my fetlife account again reading the alerts. eventually i saw Princessxjazmyn's post i wasn't gonna read it but i decided to and as i read it. i kept thinking "this is what you have been looking for all these years" that She help's people understand this at a psychological level i couldn't believe it. it had to be too good to be true. i had been jaded by the last mistress i served she sucked me in thinking she would be my mistress. and gave me tasks to do that were fun. but then a week into it she said i needed to pay $1000 to her in order to continue when i told her i couldn't afford that. she got pissed at me and called me names. being submissive it crushed me. i was broken, i just wanted help, someone to understand me.
and then i talked to Princessxjazmyn and i could tell right away She was different. the first task She gave me was to go back to my first cross dress experience and then She showed me how it wasn't evil that it was something that relaxed me. that i used it to cope. i mean it was then i realized She is amazing. but it didnt stop there. She gave me the push i needed to show my face on cam, to talk on cam,....to eat my cum, to stay on cam even though i came. to be forced to face what i did and not feel bad about it. to write it down to express myself through it. and then came the time i wanted to have a webcam session with Her. at first it was easy no big deal but as the day got closer i started to get real nervous having no idea what to expect.
then She was there and almost at once i realized. why was i scared? She was so good at calming me, making me feel relaxed. it was really one of the best times i ever had. and the more i talked to Her it was like 20 years of fear and worry was gone i don't know if She noticed but during that session She asked, do i want to suck a cock? do i want to get fucked by a guy? i kept saying yes. well one of the times i said yes i was over whelmed with emotion. actually admitting what i wanted all these years. i cried, i was so relieved to admit to what i want i cried.
witch leads me to something iv known but been to afraid to admit. and its this. i think i should have been born a girl. and it terrifies me. but iv always kinda known iv just been to afraid to admit it. i know i can never live as a girl i just cant do it. not here, the only way i could even consider it would be to move to another state far enough away from everyone i know that i could be myself without the repercussions of them knowing. and i just don't see that happening. however before Her i never thought i would actually be with a guy and look where i am. i just chatted online with a guy that i will probably be with at some point. so with Her i have hope. i no longer feel hopeless. and i think that's what She has done the most for me, is give me hope. and i don't know if i can ever express to Her how much that means to me. i cant thank Her enough.
i hope if you have read this and relate with any of it. that this may help you in understanding you are not alone and you don't have to feel hopeless.
10 years ago
