Ah, Those Old Porn Theatres

I've been wondering lately if any honest-to-God, sit-down Theatres still exist that show old 35mm prints of classic porn movies? I don't know of any, but I hope there are still some around. The last one I was aware of closed almost 20 years ago. The Apple Theatre was in Seattle on lower Capital Hill's Boran street, just east of Interstate 5. The building was never one of the great Hollywood Show Palaces, but was constructed (I'm guessing in the '40s) as a small square cement building. The auditorium had maybe 12 rows with an aisle running down the center, and if there were 150 seats I'd be shocked.

By the time I began to patronize The Apple in the late 1980s it was somewhat run-down. Run-down isn't even the right word -- I think "a very cluttered septic-tank" might be closer to the real description. Because the theatre was open 24/7, there was never any time to perform maintenance on the seats or screen, paint the interior, or even clean the place. Sure, when you walked in you always caught a faint whiff of PineSol, but I could never quite figure out where they'd been using it. And let's be honest, we all know what went on in this large, darkened room, with people enjoying sex on the big screen - not to mention in the audience - and so it's easy to guess what was splattered all over The Apple auditorium's seats and floor.

Now, The Apple showed the straight classics from the Golden Age of Porn. Not poorly projected video, somewhat blurry and slightly out of focus, but theatrical 35mm film. Of course, by the time I saw the movies, the prints were fairly old, full of splices, scared by scratches and often featured unfortunate sound. But the large screen made the picture clear and distinct, and every hair and mole somehow became glamorous.

You may be wondering if I ever witnessed guys having sex in the worn seats around me during the movie. Frankly, the answer is "usually." And I suppose you're wondering if I ever participated. That answer would be "as often as I could". It was one of those places. Even between features, the lights were never turned on (I'm not even sure there were lights to turn on). You just sat in complete darkness waiting for the next Vanessa Del Rio and Paul Thomas (or whoever) movie. And so, gay guys like me who love straight porn attended, as well as young frat guys who discovered all too quickly they had wandered into the wrong theatre, joined by what seemed like a lot of married men looking for a blow-job from a guy but who were too nervous to hit a bathhouse. Needless to say, things happened.

Taking a leak was also kind of an adventure; A large cold, cement prison-like room behind the screen, there was always someone waiting to hook-up. But the lights were on back there, and you could at least see whoever you were playing with (as well as a clear view of their cock.) Unfortunately it was also where the dilapidated theatre seats, broken marquee letters, and general garbage was stored, and the piles were frightening merely because of sheer volume.

I know I've made The Apple sound awful, but I loved the place, because it was there I was able to see some great old porn flicks the way they were intended to be seen: on the big screen. Sure, I sat through a lot of instantly forgettable films with instantly forgettable titles, starring instantly forgettable "actors." But I also got to see the amazing Taboo, the classic Jack and Jill with Jack Wrangler and Samantha Fox, and the stunningly hot 1001 Erotic Nights Part Two starring Francois Papillon and Jamie Gillis. It was where I watched Mike Ranger, Young Tom Byron, Hershel Savage, Jerry Butler and Harry Reems fuck Sharon Mitchell, Veronica Hart, Nina Hartley, Marilyn Chambers and Seka. It was a communal experience you simply don't get alone at home with a remote in your left hand. Like the legitimate theatre, the cinema and, yes, even the church, sitting in an audience with a group of people, no matter what they're actually doing, makes the experience somehow more enjoyable and important. And certainly more memorable.

Besides, I like jacking-off in public.