Thoughts on welcoming new swingers

I have previously done some notes about recruiting, this is what happens once a couple who think they want to start swinging contact you.

This is impossible to write as there is more than one kind of swinging. At one end you have two couples who meet and trade partners (same room, different room, different house) for an hour (or two, or a night, or a weekend).

Somewhere to one side of that you have hubby watches wife play (I don't have a lot of experience with this one, most hubby's get into the swing of things pretty quick when the veteran wives sense new meat).

Perhaps to the other side of that you have three or four or six couples who get together and it doesn't really matter if you fuck the spouse of the person fucking your spouse. You fuck anyone willing, even if their spouse isn't into yours. Of course, you may still prefer to keep your spouse with you until you meet a couple.

Keep going and you have larger groups, perhaps at a really big house or a club. Even there, you might have "couples play with couples" and not "play the field.

Any of that can include one spouse watching the other, or being in the same room. Sometimes first-time swingers desperately want to stay in the same room so that their spouse can rescue them if things get out of hand, and sometimes the new couple desperately wants to split up because they don't really want to watch each other.

Whatever kind of swinger you are determines what options are available to offer a couple newly entering the lifestyle. No matter what you are, you can offer to meet them one couple to one couple for the first time. Newbies tend to get overwhelmed when thrown into the middle of a huge crowd of naked people, especially an orgy where consent is assumed by just being in the room. (That happens, sometimes; mostly you ask first.)

Published by Fredlake

8 years ago

Comments

Stiltskins 7 years ago

great information good blog

lclassyfun 7 years ago

thank you :)

I've just read this Fred, it's late at night and I'm pretty well exhausted. Please remind me to share my swinging experience. Ii might take a few days. Regards JT

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

You may have to take a new couple through the "gradually enter the pool" process twice, once before the first swing and again before the first swing party. Two couples deciding to swing is one thing. Both members of both couples have to like their new partners, and for the first time you can always take them into a dark bedroom and get undressed and do the deed without ever expecting them to be naked. But the first party probably means "public nudity" (in front of the party goers, not the public at large) and may well involve "Wife, you screw that guy and I'll screw that woman and they aren't a couple but who cares?"

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

One friend recommended that you do not mention the words "gangbang" or "bukkake" during the first meeting or the conversations before it.

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

Most of the groups/events I have participated in had a "no sex in the bathroom" rule. Let the new couple know that if they need a minute to calm down they can always go into the bathroom and be safe.

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

More notes. Always compliment the new wife on her looks, her body, or anything else. Make her feel sexy and desired, but not forced. Saying something like "I can't wait to see more of you" is a compliment; saying "I can't wait to fuck your brains out" may be a little off-putting, even threatening. You don't want to push her into a shell and get her hubby all defensive. He has had to deal with the fact that his wife is about to "cheat on him" and you don't want him thinking she's going to be forced, hurt, or abused. He wants her to be treated well and given a good experience. One group had a party for three new couples and five veteran couples. They had the "fully dressed drinks and snacks chatting hour" but everyone knew that at 9pm things would start to happen. Everyone was told in advance that at 9 everyone had to take off one item of clothing, and another every 15 minutes. Anyone could voluntarily take off more (but the veterans were warned not to get ahead of the newbies, not too much anyway). One of the newbie couples panicked at 9:45 and left but the other two went all the way. One of those couples joined the group, the other said it was a one time experience, and the couple that panicked actually came back an hour later and asked if they could "catch up".

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

Another of the groups had a method of easing the new couple into things. There might be just two couples (one veteran, one newbie) or more of either, but one of the veteran wives (at dinner or during the "sit around and chat" time) would ask the new wife/wives "would it upset you if I took off my blouse?" She might be wearing a sexy see-through bra or no bra. If there were more than one veteran wives present, others might join in disrobing. The hope is that the new wife decides on her own to bare her bra or breasts. Many groups have a rule that after so long all of the women have to put on lingerie; the men usually undress to their underwear or a towel or a think robe at the same time. If the new couple is driving some distance they may want to take showers before the festivities begin, and that's a great time (by prearrangement) for everyone to change to towels, robes, or (for the ladies) sexy see-through nightgowns or other lingerie. Some clubs start with a stripping game. There are more of these than you can count, but you want one that proceeds at a pace that is comfortable for the newbies. They should understand that they are going to get naked at the party even if they don't do anything. There are also those big plush-cushioned sex dice where one die has things to do and the other has body parts at which to do them. As is well known, some new swingers start with oral sex only. Specifically ask the new couple if they want their first plunge into the swinger pool to be in separate rooms or the same room. Ask them if they want lights on, off, or dim, or candles. (Take proper fire precautions.) In the same room or not, you should ask them if the wife wants to "go first" or if the two want to do it at the same time. (Generally speaking, nobody wants to let the new husband go first as the wife might back out and that's no fair, but many groups will have one of the veteran wives give the newbie hubby a blow job in front of his wife.) Sometimes the new couple wants to watch each other, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the festivities begin with a bikini party in the pool (if the house has one) and if there is privacy some of the veteran wives might go topless. If the newbie wife goes topless some of the veteran wives might move onward to bottomless and see if the new wife follows along.

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

At last weekend's swinger party I had a chance to talk with several others who have been involved at various times and places in "the first party with new swingers" and copied down all kinds of their notes, advice, and experience. I can only find half of my scraps of paper right now, but I'll look for the others. All of them insisted that I remind everyone that: every meeting is different every couple is different what works most of the time won't work all of the time what works some of the time only works if conditions are right. Even if the new wife says on the phone a hundred times "I want to get fucking as quickly as possible" you do NOT want to give her the feeling of being rushed or gang-raped. You can always tell her that she can pick any man in the room (if there is more than one) and do or have done anything she wants. communication is key; you can always just ask the new ones what they want to do and how they want to get started. Everyone agreed that 90% of the time it's the new wife who is the shy one. After all, ladies are taught to be discrete and polite and to sort of pretend that even if they have kids they never have sex. Having one of the veteran wives talk with her (phone call before the party if possible) would give her a chance to know just what will happen. (and of course, not the same thing happens in every group or every party.) Anyway, to the notes.... One of the swinger couples who was in a club back east until a few years ago usually invited the newbies for their first sex party to a "small gathering" with 3-5 couples. The new couple was specifically informed that they didn't have to do anything and could just watch and that taking any step toward swinging wasn't going to obligated them to take the next step. Anyway, they had a sort of tradition which often worked to get new swingers into the mix. The first hour of the meeting everyone was dressed and they just sat around with drinks and snacks and chat, sometimes with porn running on the TV. One of the guys had a habit (with newbies there or not) that halfway through the "chat hour" he would unzip his pants and whip out his cock. He then went around the room asking the ladies if they wanted a taste. Most of the veteran ladies gave him a kiss or a few licks or a brief suck. One of the veteran ladies would warn the new wife ahead of time what this guy did, and warn her that she could wave him away, "shake hands with his cock", or do some oral. Other veteran ladies would encourage the new husband to show the ladies what he had and many of them would give him a cock-kiss or a brief suck. This often encouraged the new wife to give it a try. Often, more veteran husbands (anyone with wood) pulled out their sausages and offered a sample. Out of space, gonna have to start a new post.

msolor21 8 years ago

always enjoy your blog

lclassyfun 8 years ago

Great post!

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

Oh, and one key thing. There is no one way to swing, and a technique of getting newbies over the final hurdle is not going to work every time. I have seen things that should have resulted in naked newbies result in newbies running for the hills. I have seen horrible social faux pas result in uproarious laughter and naked newbies. Other ways to move things forward.... Strip rock paper scissors. You take off one piece of my wife's clothing, then I'll take off one piece of your wife's clothing, then we'll let the girls have a turn. Slow dancing (with the other spouses) in a semi-dark room to romantic music.

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

Moving the evening along is important, since the baby sitter is waiting, or even if there isn't one waiting. The newbies may be shy or reluctant but the point is to get them naked an in your beds. Without forcing them, tricking them, or begging them. Here are some ideas. Establish in pre-event conversations that you know they are shy and nervous but you'll help them move forward. Make sure that they're there for what you are there for. Once together, here are some options from meetings I have been part of. Tiffany took the other wife to the kitchen and convinced her to remove her bra. The nipples showing under the thin party dress turned on both husbands. Tiffany took the other wife to another room and (by prearrangement) they changed into nightgowns. We sat around for half an hour talking about "the best blowjob you ever had' and "the best fuck you ever had". We played strip poker or any of several other games that involved slowly disrobing. We watched a short (20 minute) porn movie about swingers meeting for the first time. Tiffany talked with the other woman in the kitchen and they both ended up stripping down to panties and bras before coming back to the den. On the next trip to the kitchen the bras disappeared. Tiffany sensed the wife was reluctant and said "How about I give your husband a blowjob. If nothing else happens we had that much fun, anyway." The wife, knowing her husband liked getting blowjobs, agreed, then afterwards felt like she needed to catch up by giving me one. Ok, that one has happened several times.

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

Movie star. Damned autocorrect.

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

Something in that movie brings up a good point. The newbie husband was a ruggedly handsome movie start but the newbie wife was more "plain jane, girl next door grew up". Pretty, but not a spectacular beauty. The veterans arrived and the veteran husband was another ruggedly handsome movie start while the veteran wife with a hot as a volcano blonde bombshell with a spectacular figure. The newbie wife was a little shy and reluctant anyway and now she's convinced that she is "not pretty enough" for the veteran husband. (His standoffishness was not caused by her attractiveness, but by other things going on in the movie.) Always make the newbie couple think that they are sexually attractive and that while things can move at the pace the newbies prefer, you're seriously looking forward to getting them involved in playtime. Everyone wants to know that someone of the opposite sex really does want to jump their bones. The other consideration is fear that your own spouse may find the other option so much more desirable than your marriage collapses and they run off together. That's not an irrational fear, but marriage is far more than sex. Having great sex with someone else who has a better body doesn't change your genuine love for your own partner, not to mention all your lives include (children, property, business, social relationships). Ladies, your husband isn't going to leave you for the swinger with big boobs any more than you're going to leave your husband for the swinger man with the bigger cock. Go, enjoy the big equipment and then go back to your life with a twinkle in your eye.

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

Where do you meet? Anywhere mutually agreeable. Your house at least avoids travel, but you're letting strangers into the house and they may be more burglars than swingers. Get a read on them by phone, lunch, skype, email, or whatever. Their house may be more comfortable for them, but they may not be willing to bring you into it on the first meeting. A hotel is fine if the cost is reasonable and you are sure it's going to happen before spending the money. As noted, you can "do it" in front of each other or in separate rooms. You can do it in the same bed or different beds of the same room. You can do it one pair at a time so they other can watch. It's whatever the newbies want; after they get used to the idea they'll be more flexible. Something else to consider is that (ask them over the phone first) you might offer them a one-couple-with-one-couple meeting or you might offer to have two or three other couples. Which turns the newbies on?

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

Back to communication. Any newbie couple is going to have questions. I for one would want to get those asked and answered in phone calls, skype, email, or a lunch somewhere. On the "evening it's going to happen" such questions tend to just delay things, and real life intrudes. They may well have a baby-sitter expecting them home at a certain time, and if they keep "talking and talking" you may get to the point that no matter how willing they are to take the final step and swing, they just ran out of time. Again, read the room. One couple might want to sit and chat for an hour just to get comfortable. Another might want to start undressing six inches inside the door. Talking to them ahead of time gives you a chance to say "Everybody is different. When we get to the hotel room, do you want to chat for a while or do you want to get to the point right away?" I have met newbie couples that stalled for hours before doing the deed (or leaving without doing it) and we (Tiffany and I) have knocked on the hotel room door to be greeted by two totally nude newbies who wanted to get busy before the butterflies in their stomachs erupted by a scifi movie monster.

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

The movie in question is on Youtube. It's called SWINGERS I think and its in Dutch with subtitles. It's worth a watch as the exploration of everything that can go right and wrong with a first encounter between newbies and veterans. But it's just one way that sort of even can happen. They had the plan that during a weekend together there would be one act of sex per night. Ok if that's what they wanted, but if I get a whole weekend with a new couple I want her more than twice. That said, communication is key. Just ask the wife (over the phone before your romantic weekend) how many time she is willing to get laid. You can always ask her politely for a bonus round, but if she only expects to do it once and then think about it for a month before doing it again, that's fine. The point is to recruit the new couple into the lifestyle (if they want to be and are a good fit for your group) not use them up on the first tryst and throw them out like scraps from dinner. Talk with them about other opportunities open to them in the lifestyle: resorts, other couples you know, local clubs and orgies, arranged gangbangs. A key part of communication is to "read the room" and don't give them more information than they can absorb, and every couple (and every person) is different. Some would be excited to hear that you know five other couples and they can work their way down the list. Some would be terrified to think that they were expected to work their way down that list or be available to this wider group. Get the new people into the swing of things and then when they seem to want more, open their eyes to what more is available.

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

Hmmm... that posted before I was done. Anyway... Most couples I have met have the "normal sexual appetite" You need to have the veteran wife talk with the newbie wife and the veteran husband talk with the newbie husband and each wife talk with the other husband. If they expect or want something, decide how to deal with it, but let your partner know what you said. In one swinger movie I saw (more about it in a bit) the veteran wife was helping the newbie wife get over her shyness, and asked what fantasies her husband had. The newbie wife said her husband had often expressed a desire to be with two women at once. The veteran wife said "sure, we'll do that" but forgot to tell the veteran husband who didn't understand why he was being ignored. She should have told him "to seal this deal we need to give her husband all the female attention for the first half hour; you'll get your turn with her after that."

Fredlake Publisher 8 years ago

The key to everything is communication, at all times, at all levels. When a new couple contacts you and wants to ask questions or talk about it or get right into the action, you should chat with them a lot about what they want, expect, and need. You want to "check them out" and they want to do the same. It's just just as they attractive people you want to fuck, but are they? ... honest people who aren't here to rip you off or hurt you or publish newspaper undercover stories about swingers. Are they drama queens? Are they clingy, needy. Is the man God's gift to women? Is the woman as into the idea as the man? For that matter, is the man into it as much as the woman? Make sure that these are a happy stable couple because swinging will cause an unhappy or unstable relationship to explode (all over you and your life). I for one would make sure the woman is on birth control. It's not just that my particular club demands that, it's that she needs to be protected in case during an orgy somebody forgets that the blonde chick doesn't want cum inside her. Some couples have what I call a normal sex appetite. (The woman will suck cock and take cum in her mouth and her pussy. The man is willing to eat pussy, at least if it's not messy.) Some do not. I have met couples that just didn't like oral sex (or one of them didn't). This limited them to smaller parties and one-couple-with-one-couple swaps, but they were still a lot of fun. There are also couples that never get beyond "soft swap" (oral sex only, or oral and sex toys).