Pearls of Wisdom from Swiss Toni
Swiss Toni from "The Fast Show" had some pearls of wisdom for us all....
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a
beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. Pray you make contact with
her twin airbags as soon as possible.
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and
gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin
her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous, like me, you might like to try an underlay.
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like
making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove
any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there
are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float,
the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some
half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
Checking the details of a second-hand car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, verify her year
of origin. She may look like she rolled off the production line in 1990 but who's to say the fellow before you didn't give
her a good spraying?
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her
out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire
your handiwork.
Buying jewellery - Buying jewellery for a beautiful woman is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you check the
size of her ring to make sure it will fit. Then you end up giving her a pearl necklace.
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman, you have to make sure its hot and wet, you have to grind
your beans until they squeak, then you put in the milk.
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a
beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. Pray you make contact with
her twin airbags as soon as possible.
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and
gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin
her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous, like me, you might like to try an underlay.
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like
making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove
any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there
are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float,
the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some
half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
Checking the details of a second-hand car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, verify her year
of origin. She may look like she rolled off the production line in 1990 but who's to say the fellow before you didn't give
her a good spraying?
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her
out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire
your handiwork.
Buying jewellery - Buying jewellery for a beautiful woman is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you check the
size of her ring to make sure it will fit. Then you end up giving her a pearl necklace.
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman, you have to make sure its hot and wet, you have to grind
your beans until they squeak, then you put in the milk.
13 years ago
