Church Call...

Now that I've turned you right the fuck off, for those with the nads do stick with me I'm going to tell you what the Bible really says about my two favorite subjects:  Crossdressing and masturbation...Both are covered in the Old Testament.  First, about crossdressing.  Yes, there is a passage in there somewhere saying that men should not dress in women's clothes.  But it has nothing to do with sex.  It's about that other sin that men like to do that totally rubs God the wrong way.  That is, cheating on your taxes.  And here you were worried that you would burn in Hell for stretching your wee wee while dressed in your sisters nylon panties.

Here is the real deal on that.  Somewhere in the New Testament, it says to pay your taxes like a faithful and loyal, and patriotic citizen should.  So, back in the Old Testament, God, cleverly disguised as High Priest sees that men, in order to not be recognized by the tax collectors of the day would put on a woman's robe.  (In all the pictures of men and women of that time, I have not been able to distinguish male from female by their robes.  Only beards on the men and Hijabs on the women determined the outward appearances of the sexes.  Beards appeared to be in equal numbers among both sexes of the day.  Anyway the scofflaws of the day would avoid paying taxes, by simply putting a bag over their heads.  (Women didn't pay taxes then.) 

So...There it is.  Wear all the brightly colored see-through lingerie you want, but please....Pay your fucking taxes.

Now; to the other thing many of us have in common.  Flogging the Bishop, spanking the monkey, slapping the fat. Call it what you will, but I think the oldest term is Onanism.  You see, There was this dude Onan that was pulling a boner for his sister-in-law.  Somehow, Onan's brother got himself dead before he got his wife pregnant.  Hebrew law at the time was a bit quirky, and stated that if a man couldn't get his wife in the family way before he died, it was up to his brother to do the deed.  Well, Onan had been taught that he shouldn't be hitting on his brother's wife.  But he decided that he should do what God told him.  In Onan's mind there was a loophole in the directive.  He thought that God had only intended that he, Onan should bone his sister in law.  He thought that God hadn't intended that she get pregnant; only that he had to slam the salami to her.  He did that, but at the last second, he committed "coitus interrupt us" which means he pulled out just in the nick of time and blew his load on the dirt floor instead of "da cooz"  Immediately, God smote poor old Onan about the face and head and turned him into a pillar of salt or something equally as weird.  But it wasn't because he had whacked his carrot!  No!  It was because Onan had failed to produce an heir for his brother.  Onan was punished for failing to follow instructions.

I'm sure by now we all realize that we are not going to get hair in the palms of our hands or go blind, get warts or some other weird shit because we have been strumming the dummy while we hoped no one was looking. So, feel free to get on with the art of masturbation and any other way you enjoy getting your jollies.  I'm sure some whackjob is going to get his panties in a wad over this little story, but I can't control your mind.  Think and do what you must, but I just had a glorious orgasm while I wrote this.  Now, I think I will go put on a fresh pair of panties and look at some really satisfying pornography.