My First Time I Watched a M4M Movie

This story brings back memories. When I was in the military, I was single and lived on-post and we had two-man rooms. I had a girlfriend, but secretly repressed my longing for a man's hard cock to play with and serve. As time went on, my desire to explore M4M sexual encounters eventually led me to a local video rental store by myself. This was back in the day when video stores kept their porn in a back room with a curtain as a divider. Throwing caution to the wind, I pushed the curtain to the side and started looking at the titles. I don't remember for sure, but I think there were a few others in the room looking as well. Not wanting to be judged I was only looking at the Straight movies. After a while I found the Bi movies. Figuring they were going to draw less attention from the checkout clerk, I settled on two movies that seemed to offer the most M4M scenes. Leaving the store, I do remember the taboo sexual anticipation of finally getting to see one man submit to another is a sexual way. I couldn't get back to my room fast enough! My roommate was gone for the night, so I entered my room and closed the door and sat on my bunk reading each movie cover word for word. Not wanting to get caught I waited well past dusk and the floor was eventually quiet. Deciding the time was right, I popped the cassette into the VCR and made sure the volume was on mute and hit play. Fast-forwarding through the scenes with women, I hit the play button as the scene I was looking for hit the screen. There it was, two men, stripping each other, kissing and touching! I was hard as a rock! I watched, mesmerized as they ended up on the bed. Slowly and as quietly as I could I lowered my pants until my rock hard member was naked and dripping like a faucet. Watching as the one bottom eventually ended up on his knees and elbows, I envied him like the shore I knew I was but hide out of shame. Touching myself, the other man took his place behind the bottom and slowly started working his hands over then the object of his desire beneath him. My mind was racing as I lay on my bed, finally relenting I let my hand wander below my sack and search for my most hidden and taboo part of my body. Watching the top work his hardness between the bottoms cheeks, my fingers finally found what they were seeking. My hole tingled as it felt the pressure from my fingers. So tight, my eyes closed as my fingertips felt the wrinkles that guarded my opening. The camera cut to the top placing the tip of his head into the bottoms slightly gaped hole, oh my god! I'm really going to see the submission I've only imagined in my mind! Slowly the top pushed into the gape, I wanted to so badly hear the sounds these two were making! Slowly entering, I mimicked what I was seeing.... my finger entered my own hole... I don't know how I held back and didn't explode. I decided I needed something to provide a way to open my own hole up, to allow my hole to be penetrated. I brought my hand to my mouth and let my saliva leave my mouth and cover my fingertips. Moving my hand back between my buns, I felt the cool saliva on my hole as I rubbed it in slowly. By now, the top was working in and out of the bottom slowly, oh how I wanted to hear their moans and groans. And then it happened, I had managed to work a finger inside my anal ring! OMG! I did it! As I stopped and let my finger stay where it was, I felt the stretch of my anal ring, it was exquisite. I could almost feel my heartbeat on my finger as my ring throbbed. By now the top was working the bottom at a faster pace, he made deep strokes as the camera focused on the bottoms hole accepting the penetration with ease. I felt so close to the bottom who was clearly submitting his body for the tops sordid enjoyment. That's what I felt like inside, I was that bottom that preferred submission over dominance. I wanted to feel controlled by a dominant man that knew how to take what I had to offer. My heart was racing! Everything I was doing was so wrong according to my upbringing, but it felt so right in my body and mind I didn't care anymore and let go of my guilt and shame, giving in to the waves of pleasure my body was feeling. I wanted more of that feeling, lots more, as much as I could get! So my finger inside my hole pushed deeper as I pressed harder and harder. I noticed the pleasure wasn't felt by my finger itself, the pleasure was coming from the stretch of my anus, my cuntlips, my warm slippery asshole that I was offering in submission. The TV now showed the top pumping his member harder and faster into the hole he was mastering. How I wanted to feel that, how I wanted to submit my hole to a man for his use and pleasure. Soon I was working my finger inside of me on par with what, I was watching on the TV. Oh my, the physical and emotional feelings were overwhelming! What I was doing was so dirty, masturbating my cock was bad enough, but here I was laying on my back with my legs splayed as wide open as I could get them while I was fingering my asshole and watching gay pornography on the TV soon overwhelmed me and I felt that tingle in my balls building. I gave up watching the gay porn playing on the TV and closed my eyes and focused my mind on my dirty, degrading endeavor of working my asshole into a sloppy cunt that I would have willingly welcomed a horny man fuck until he was satisfied by slamming his cock in and out until he made that final thrust as deep as he could and released his slimy load, coating my cavity squirt after squirt!!! Letting it all go and not caring, I buried my finger as deep as I could and gave up and felt my body release it's pent up load. My balls erupted with shot after shot until my body was empty. The endorphins were felt in every part of my body. My muscles were contracted, every one of them. As I was able to slow my breath and heart rate, I slowly lowered my bottom, which I inadvertently raised to meet my finger banging, onto my bed. My body felt like it weighed 10 times what it normally did, it felt exhausted and at the same time, I felt as if I was almost floating. As the fog began to slowly leave my brain and the endorphins were expiring, I smiled as I noticed I still had my finger deeply buried in my now well-loosened cunthole. I began to notice the sensation that was surrounding my finger, the wetness, the silky smooth texture and the lack of tone of my anal ring. Satisified I had accomplished my dirty desires, I slowly removed my finger from my well-satisfied secret place, noting the emptiness and void in my bottom that resulted. More of the fog was lifting from my mind. My endorphin induced high was diminishing to the point that I started to take in my surroundings again, and acknowledge the need to hit STOP on the VCR as fast as I could so in the event my roommate walked in or someone else knocked on the door, they wouldn't be presented with the very gay porn action I was obviously watching, I needed to grab a towel and dry off the results of my massive orgasm that landed on my abdomen and wetness of the saliva which was up and down my crack and pull up my pants. As I rolled over and stood up, I felt light-headed and grabbed onto the bed to steady myself. In a few moments, I felt myself returning to normal. I quickly hit eject on the VCR and hide both VCR tapes away. Took my cum towel and placed it in with my other dirty clothes. Then, I carefully took a moment to scan the room for anything that may incriminate me of my dirty, clearly faggoty actions. Not having the room light on didn't help, but my eyes had long been adapted to the low light available from the windows in my room. Satisfied and feeling my nerves starting to feel my fear of being discovered, I made my way to the light switch and turn the room light on. Taking another moment to scan the room, I don't know what I expected to see-someone standing motionless who had witnessed my extreme act of queerness LOL!!! No, there nothing amiss, nothing out of place, only me and my rapidly returning guilt and shame. Satisified I had gotten away with my deviant homosexual masturbatory act. I took a deep breath and sat on my bed, liting a cigarette I inhaled deeply and then slowly exhaling. Trying to quiet my mind and my loins. The act and the pleasure slowly starting to roll through my mind, bringing a smile to my face, the satisfaction crowding out the guilt and shame now that I felt safe. Snubbing out the cigarette in the glass ashtray, I crawled into bed and drifted quickly into my satisfied slumber. Feeling the sunlight entering the room, I opened my eyes slowly, yawning and stretching my entire body, good morning Saturday. So happy you are here. Laying there, feeling my body waken, my mind starting to process the prior night's accomplishments. Smiling at the warmth of my body, the memory of fingering my anus until it felt like the cunt that I wanted to feel like. How lovely, how lovely to have satisfied that nasty, dirty desire my mind would not and could not repress any longer. Wondering if I dare try it again? Snaking my hand under my pants and underwear, farther and farther until I felt my wrinkled hole under the tip of my finger, safely covered and hidden by my blankets, I spread my legs farther apart allowing buns to spread as far apart as possible. I slowly touched my cuntlips again, circling it, applying firm pressure and feeling it open ever so slightly. Eyes closed, working my fingertip into the first knuckle, feeling the dryness creating a delightful friction, raising my bottom off the bed attempting to bury my finger deeper in the process. Oh God! What if it wasn't my finger, what if it was the finger of a man I chose to submit to. What if I didn't have any control over when or how deep the next penetration would be? Would I have it in me to open my eyes and look at him as he probed my tight wrinkled anus as he saw fit? Would I really let go and accept that my submission was permanent and not something I could ever take back? Would I focus my mind on pushing my anal ring to open with each thrusting probe and to tighten it when I felt it withdrawn, trying with all my soul to avoid the possibility of feeling empty where I lust for fullness? How would I react when he decided he had enough of the tease and foreplay, as my hole was left ever so slightly gaped and the bed trembled as his body took its rightful place over mine. Feeling his weight pushing me deeper into the mattress, almost crushing the wind from my lungs as I feel his between our bodies wrapped around his steeled member blindly aiming for my now tightly constricted anal opening. How would I feel when I felt his slippery head find its mark and see his mouth curl into a knowing grin as he looked down at me from his dominant position? Would the first stab be enough to open my asslips to his desire and need or would it take multiple probing thrusts for me to yield to his member's invasion? And when I felt his head force itself inside my body, would I let out a yelp at the intense pain I knew in my mind I was in for, or would I feel the pain and instinctively push my anus open at the right time and accept the fate of my desire? Would he provide a deliberate pause of his advance, allowing my ring time to adjust and accommodate his carnal, basal drive and need to feel pleasure? I don't know, I don't know how he will treat my submission to his lust. I don't know when he would believe he has given my body enough time to accept his advance. I don't know when his subconscious will overtake his actions and assume control of his body and mind's needs. I know that this was my choice, my dream, my need to demonstrate my submissive personality that has always been a part of who I am and what I was meant for. It was my need to wrap my arms around his back and feel the hair as my hands roam all over him. And it was my dream to have him between my thighs that are also wrapped around his waist as best I am able to. To use my heels to pull him into me y body more when I feel I'm ready to receive of his member pushed deeper inside of my soul. Pulling him in, using the my heels to let him know I can and want to take more of his manhood slide up the smooth walls of my canal that was meant to accept his fuck. I really didn't know any of that. Smiling, I lowered my bottom back onto the mattress and I let my finger slowly leave the tightness of my imagined cuntlips. How I loved that feeling I was left with between my buns. That feeling of being slightly gaped. Sitting up on the side of the bed. Feeling the beautiful sunshine warm and brighten my room. Time to for a morning smoke, time to plan how I was going to return the VCR tapes without anyone stopping me in the hall and wanting to see them. Time to accept my inner voice, which I had so desperately and unsuccessfully tried for so long to ignore. Time to be who I was...