Wedding Bells and Cannon Fire

I've been thinking a lot about weddings lately. Don't ask me why lol I just have been, so deal with it :P

I think it's fair to say that almost every girl in the world has thought of/fantasised about her dream wedding at least once in her life. Now, obviously I'm not the marrying kind :P lol but let's imagine that, in some bizarre alternate universe, I, Angelica Cream, found someone clinically-insane enough to want to marry me, and I took a nasty bump to the head and thus accepted their proposal o_o

Now, I'm definitely not one of those stupid cunts who thinks it's a great idea to put myself (and/or family) into debt just to have a single lavish wedding day/night reception and party. If you can afford to have a lavish wedding, go for it and enjoy yourselves! If you can only afford a humble wedding, go for it and enjoy yourselves! How much money you spend on your wedding day DOES NOT equal how much you love your fiance, nor how special your wedding is. The most stupid thing to do in the world is to enter your first years of marriage with someone, up to your eyeballs in severe debt together having to pay off the expenses of that one and only single day of being married together.

Live within your means, people!

I'd be perfectly happy having a simple wedding, only spending what money we can comfortable afford on it, and making it the best damn union since the UK came into existence! :P

With that all said, if we lived in an alternate universe where I found someone fucked up enough to want to marry me haha and I wanted to be married to them, and let's say I won like, I don't know, £500,000,000 on the lottery and so have a pretty much unlimited wedding day budget lol well this is what my dream wedding would be like!

...I'll think you find, it'll be a wedding like nothing you've ever heard of before ;)






First off, I'd want to be married at sea. In British waters though, because, you know, I'd want it to be a fully above-board, legally-binding, and totally recognised by British law union between two lovers o_o

It would be aboard my very own, fully-functioning, full-sail, 17th century galleon ship. If I can't get my hands on such a sea-faring vessel that's been around since those times, then I'd have my very own galleon ship in that 17th century style built by expert ship-makers instead, because, fuck it, I'm rich baby! haha :P

It would sail under my own personalised and registered identification flag, of my own design. I haven't set the design in stone yet, but I'm imagining something like a black flag, with a sexy red-skinned female devil in a revealing 17th century pirate captain clothes holding a flintlock pistol against her stomach just below her breasts (which are, of course, barely being contained in her frilly blouse, and in her other hand is a cutlass held up beside her face, in which she's licking with a forked tongue the blade of it, in a seductive suggestive manner ;)

I would name my ship, "The Succubus" :P

That red-skinned devil lady captain would also serve as the figurehead at the front of my ship ^_^



The wedding procession itself would take place at the helm of my ship. I'd have all the family members and friends boated onto my ship, I wouldn't go overboard (way-hey! :P lol) with the number of guests, just those who personally know me and my fiance, and with their own 'plus ones' as well. I'd prefer not to have kids in attendance, but kids are allowed so long as they aren't the crying crybaby attention-seeking kind... >_> ...Though if there's more than like 10 young children, then I'd have one of the areas of my ship dedicated to entertaining the children, with fun physical activities and games and whatnot for when the party gets underway, so they're not constantly bothering the adults. Maybe I'd even hire a pirate-themed kid's entertainer-cum-babysitter for them (female, preferably, because I have a mistrust towards male kids-party entertainers >_> ) to keep them in check while their parents are free to have fun lol



I'd be dressed in a beautiful, if totally impractical, large flowing mid-1700s formal French pleated dress, in white and silver colours with a design that looks like red roses inlaid all down one side of the dress. I'd look like a delicious human wedding cake! haha :D

...Though, I'd have something different about my look that's far from traditional... On my expertly made-up face, I'd also have a really pretty, sexy, glittery, black/white/red coloured 'Day of the Dead' style skull design painted on one side of my face >:)


I'd walk 'down the aisle', as it were, whilst "Gina's & Elvira's Theme" by Giorgio Moroder plays on loudspeakers. ...Yes, that utterly gorgeous and beautiful piece of music is from the "Scarface" soundtrack, what of it? :P lol

My bouquet of flowers would be made of a dozen red and white roses.

We'd say our vows to each other, I'd tried to keep that fairly short though because no one enjoys when a couple in love keep bleating on and on and on and on declaring their love for one another in public o_o lol

We'd put the rings on our fingers. My wedding ring would be a white gold band with a sparkly tiger-stripe design going around it, and a little ruby stone in the centre. I'm a woman of simple tastes... :P lol

We'd kiss, and then sign the wedding register to make it all legally official. Beautiful :)

...And then all hell would break loose! >:D



What my guests (possibly even my fiance too lol) wouldn't know -- although I would be fair to give them a little warning that something fun is going to happen :P lol is that I'd hire a bunch of actors, dressed in full 17th century pirate crew gear, to suddenly board my ship in their own little pirate frigate. They'd be yelling and running amok, speaking in full West Country-style classic pirate voices, holding the guests up with their (blunt) cutlasses and (unloaded for safety reasons lol) flintlock pistols, putting a total stop to my wedding. There would special effects too, like fireworks signally cannon-fire and loud sound-effects played over the loudspeakers, consisting of swords clashing and all that good battle stuff O_O

Then the lead pirate actor would step forward and be like,
"Yarr! Halt the wedding! This scurvy she-witch be not who she says she is, says I!"
As he presses the tip of his sword to the shoulder strap of my wedding dress.

I'd be playing along, acting all shocked and offended by it all.

"Yarr! This be not your beloved Angelica Cream... This be Captain Cream-Puff! The fiercest pirate captain of all the seven seas!"
He'd declare, as he then cuts my shoulder straps of my dress, which falls to the floor, revealing that I was wearing underneath my dress, a low-cut leather red/black corset, black leather trousers, and black leather high-heeled boots.

"Cap'n, if you please..."
Another pirate actor would present me with a real fancy-looking, black with sparkly silver and red sequins adjoining the brim, Captain Hook-style captain's hat, complete with a large white fluffy feather in it.

My shocked gaping mouth would then slowly turn into an evil grinning sneer, as I take the hat, and place it atop my head.

"Yarr! It be I, Captain Cream-Puff!,"
I'd declare, as I then take the cutlass from the lead actor, point at it my guests, and order,
"Show these lousy sea-dogs to the brig! Where I shall deal with them shortly!"

And with that, I'd grab my hubby or wife (depending on who I marry lol) forcefully around the waist, and basically pretend to kidnap them against their will >:P lol as I whisk them away to my private captain quarters on the ship, and uh... Yeah, I'd give them a damn good jolly rogering! haha :P best to get the whole, "consummate the marriage" thing out of the way nice and early in the day, before we both get far too wasted to know what we're doing lol

I might even shackle them in irons to my bedpost, while I'm at it >:P

It'd probably only be like an hour of sexy fun, but it'll definitely be a lot of fun, sexy, thrilling pirate sex :P lol

Meanwhile, during that hour or so that we're busy consummating :P our guests would have been led by the pirate actors to the galley of the ship, where there'd be a semi-open bar waiting for them, serving them whatever drinks they want for free, but only like at a 4-drink limit per person for now, because I don't want people getting totally wasted until much later on in the evening when that limit would be taken off and they can all drink like a fish! :P



After about an hour, and once me and my partner has had a quick clean-up and gotten dressed again (they would change into a much more comfortable, but still nice-looking pirate-themed attire, and if they haven't already, we could also paint their face with a fancy skull too, to signal that they've joined the ranks of my "skeleton crew" :P lol). I'd have the pirate actors address our guests in the "brig" like,

"Yarr! Listen here you salty scoundrels! The captain demands your presence in her dining quarters at once!"
And then they would lead the guests to the main dining hall galley of the ship.

There would be a lovely meal put on for everyone. I'm thinking either a fish stew or soup, lightly spiced for just a tiny kick to it, for starters. The main would be a rich indulgent beef wellington with veg and mash potato, and for afters would be a caramel tart with caramel-drizzled vanilla ice cream. The choice of drinks would be sparkly sweet champagne, nice satisfying beer, and cider.

I'd be sat at the head of the long oak table, alongside my partner, and our parents and the best man/maid of honour would be sat immediately in the space either side of us.

Before the dessert arrives, like just after the main has been finished, is when I'd have the dinner speeches conducted. And honestly, the speeches would be brutally funny! Like, I'd want it to be a full-on, no holds barred, roasting! :D

That would be my challenge I would throw down in the months leading up to the wedding to our parents and best man/maid of honour. Write a speech that really roasts me and my partner as good as you can. Don't hold back, take the right royal piss out of us with jokes/insults at our expense! haha

...As well as throwing in a few sweet sentimental stuff like how happy you are for us and toasting our marriage and all that sweet saccharine shit lol because, you know, some people like hearing that sickly crap at weddings... o_o

...And then after all the cannon-fire of roasting is done, it would be my turn for my speech >:) and I would give everyone in attendance both barrels! hahaha oh yes! I would say all the things I've ever wanted to tell the people in my life, but done so in such a witty humorous way that they'll be too busy laughing to be offended/upset by it >:P



After the big dinner ends, I'd order my pirate "skeleton crew" to show my guests to the brig once more, only in the convening time it would have been swiftly decorated by my helpers to now look like an "underwater shipwreck", with various tables and a big dance floor in the middle, and the bar would now be unlimitedly open, so people can get as merrily drunk as they like (although I'd also have a security team on stand-by throughout the day, so should anyone get too aggressively lairy with the drink they'll be escorted off the ship and boated back to the mainland into the arms of the appropriate authorities o_o).

On each and every dedicated table, would be a small treasure map sat beside a miniature treasure chest, as well as little bottles of drinkable rum. The map would simple say on it, "Here be treasure! Hand out fairly to ye rotten crew!", and then inside the chest would be a bunch of gold chocolate coins, But also, small individually personalised sacks with the names of each guest at that table embroided on each tiny sack. Inside those tiny sacks, would be a cheque made out to that named person for £25,000. Because, fuck it, when you're THAT rich, why wouldn't you share the wealth around a little bit? ;)

As everyone is getting settled into the hall and the party mood, getting their drinks in and whatnot, I'd have hired a traditional band (dressed up as my pirate crew) to perform live a small 30-40mins set-list of my most favourite sea-shanties and traditional songs, just to really help set the mood inside the hall, and if anyone knows the words they can also sing along too!

These traditional shanties and songs would be:

"Good Morning Ladies All",
"Randy Dandy-O",
"Leave Her Johnny",
"Blow Away the Morning Dew",
"Fathom the Bowl",
"William Taylor",
"Over the Hills and Far Away",
"Running Down to Cuba",
"The Dead Horse",
"Admiral Benbow",
"Maid of Amsterdam",
"The Rio Grande",
"The Worst Old Ship",
and, "Bully in the Alley".

And to anyone who realised that these songs can all be found in "Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag", congratulations! You earn yourself 10 gold doubloons! :P haha

After the band's finished playing, when everyone's all thoroughly liquored up and ready to dance. My hired DJ would take over the sound-system, and the dance party would really start kicking off!

Of course though, the bride and groom (or the bride and bride) get first dance on the floor.

My first wedding dance would be to the song, "Cannibal Holocaust (Main Theme)" by Riz Ortolani :D

...And then it would transition into a real party-starter favourite of a song that you find at most wedding parties, something like "Celebration" by Kool & The Gang, or something like that. Basically, for the rest of the night, the music would be all your favourite wedding party songs that get people of all ages up and dancing and singing along, just everyone having a whale of a time, getting drunk and making good-hearted fun fools of themselves :D

Also, my wedding cake would be three-tiered. The top tier would be a blueberry sponge cake, with vanilla icing. The second tier would be a lemon sponge with coconut icing. And the third layer would be a chocolate and cherry sponge with vanilla icing. All the icing would be coloured white, with a pretty red-coloured thin pattern drizzled around the skirt of it, as well as decorative/edible red roses.

And during the party, I'd put on a spread of food at a buffet table, with delightful party favourites such as pizza slices, chicken nuggets, mini-sausages, lemon & chilli squid balls/shrimp balls/prawn balls, tomato and basil rotini pasta, mini sausage rolls, and chicken wings/drumsticks - yum! :D


It should be noted that throughout the entire party, I'd have a ferry and taxi service up and running at call, so anytime a guest has had enough and wants to leave, they're free to do so as they're boated back to shore, with their travel all paid for in advance by me :)



...So uh, yeah, that would be my dream wedding if money was no real limit O_O

I'd probably want to keep the party going for days on end with my partner and any guests who can keep up with us lol but when it does all die out, I'd set sail on my ship (once my main crew who I'd have hired to maintain my ship for me for the rest of the years) for to travel to wherever the hell my partner feels like going for a honeymoon O_O

I'd probably end up living on that ship for the rest of my life, but that's just one of the things I'd want to do with my life if I was as deep-pocketed loaded as that lol



Thank you so much for reading this entirely self-indulgent, spoilt, selfish, flight of fancy of mine :P

What would you dream wedding be like if money was no issue?
Please, let me know your thoughts on all of this in the comments below! :)