Essential Lockdown/Pandemic Tips and Advice
Make your stock of loo roll last longer. Don't eat anything, and refuse to take a dump until after the pandemic ends, and stocks of loo roll become more readily available in the shops.
Keep your bread and other perishable foods from drying out too soon, by storing it in a bucket of water.
Feeling bored and unable to find anything entertaining to watch? Secure a lit match or blow-torch to your pet or housemate's foot. Minutes of viewing pleasure are guaranteed to ensue.
If you need to go outside on a supply run but are afraid of people refusing to stick to the 2 metre apart rule. Simply smear lumps of dog shit all over your face and hands. No one will stand within a mile of you, and no one will want to touch you.
Can't find a suitable face mask to wear to keep the virus at bay? Grow and then shave a very thick beard into the shape of a face mask. If you're a lady and/or a prepubescent boy, ask a local bio-scientist to change your genetics for you. If all else fails, take a razor and seek to borrow one from a nearby human male.
Change your home address to "PIZZA HUT'S RETURN POST DEPOT". Get free, if slightly faulty, pizza delivered to your doorstep all day long, at no extra expense to you!
Housemates/shared occupants getting on your nerves in the lockdown? Simply contract COVID-19, then cough onto your fists to inflict extra poison-damage during your regularly scheduled home brawls.
Never watch another advert again. Next time an advert interrupts your day, just mute the volume on your device, close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, and chant "na na na na na" repeatedly until the advert ends.
Keep track of all your possessions, and never lose an item again, by sticking a brightly neon-coloured post-it note onto each and every item in your possession, and then write down the items exact global coordinates onto each post-it note. Should you ever misplace an item, simply read the attached post-it note on it to quickly and easily find where the item is located.
Struggling to keep your children entertained all day during lockdown, and feeling about ready to lose your mind with their constant whining noises? The solution couldn't be more easy. Just purchase an adult polar bear for them to take care of. Once your bear arrives in the post, leave your children alone in a room of your choice with the big hulking arctic creature. After the first initial minute or two of excited screaming, you're guaranteed to never hear another peep out of your precocious brats for the rest of the day!
Worried you won't be able to attend a loved one's funeral due to the strict social-distancing laws and regulations during the pandemic? Just simply die before they do, then it'll be their problem to worry about, not yours!
Start getting into the practise of placing any teabags into boiling hot water before consuming, to kill off any and all viruses on the bags or in the tea leaves.
Take full advantage of the lockdown. Organise a house party at least once per day, and invite everyone you hate to it, and then feel that sheer exuberant blissful joy that only comes when the people you hate call you to cancel their attendance to your party.
Working from home during the lockdown? After the pandemic ends, make sure to sue your boss for unpaid overtime. Because you've been at your workplace/work-station (your home) for like 22(+) hours a day, 7 days a week, for the whole duration of the lockdown, this renders the suit an open and shut case. Cha-ching!
Self-employed and working from home during the lockdown? Sue yourself afterwards for unpaid overtime! Whatever money you win in the resultant lawsuit, just simply agree to loan your winnings back to yourself at 15% of the interest rate so you're not left out of pocket and you'll also make a lot of profit for yourself in the process. Cha-ching!
Feeling horny with no one available to fuck during the lockdown? Dress up precisely one half of your body from head to toe as the person you're most sexually attracted to, and proceed to masturbate in front of a full-length mirror. You'll hardly notice just how desperately alone and horny you are as you reach and enjoy your climax.
Running out of fun video games to play? Gather some willing rats, attach the inner workings of a remote control car inside of their abdomens, and then race them! This is made even more fun if you get your neighbours to make their own remote-controlled rats as well, then you can hold safely conducted, social-distance observed, remote-controlled rat-races outside your homes on the empty streets.
Save some time in the morning, by preparing and eating your breakfast in the middle of the night, whilst you're asleep.
Prevent how often you need to risk going outside on a supply run to the shops, by legally changing your address of residency to that of your favourite supermarket aisle. You'll no longer ever need to leave your home to go shopping, as you'll already be there!
Worried about getting infected with COVID-19 on your travels to a foreign country? Simply infect yourself with COVID-19 from a local person in your local area before your holiday. A foreign strand of COVID-19 cannot infect you if you've already obtained the virus locally.
If you find yourself struggling to fight off a COVID-19 infection and are close to dying from it, loudly declare to a passing police officer that you are refusing to consent to being infected by the virus. COVID-19 cannot legally continue with infecting you without your expressed consent to it.
If the virus continues to infect you against your will, try dying. The virus is unable to survive for long inside of a dead body, so once the virus either leaves your body or dies inside of it, ask a trusted friend to resurrect you. You'll then be free to live the rest of your life without the virus bothering you.
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This has all been not very good advice whatsoever. Ms. Angelica Cream does not take any responsibility to any individual(s) who follow any advice found here, and end up hospitalised, maimed, injured, bankrupt, financially worse off, bloody, sore, achy, dead, or in any other way negatively inconvenienced in your personal and professional life as a result. If you follow any instruction or advice found in this post, you are doing so under your own volition and personal responsibility, to which only yourself is accountable for doing. Please apply and execute logic, reasoning, and common-sense in your life as best you can during this time, and at all future times.
Keep your bread and other perishable foods from drying out too soon, by storing it in a bucket of water.
Feeling bored and unable to find anything entertaining to watch? Secure a lit match or blow-torch to your pet or housemate's foot. Minutes of viewing pleasure are guaranteed to ensue.
If you need to go outside on a supply run but are afraid of people refusing to stick to the 2 metre apart rule. Simply smear lumps of dog shit all over your face and hands. No one will stand within a mile of you, and no one will want to touch you.
Can't find a suitable face mask to wear to keep the virus at bay? Grow and then shave a very thick beard into the shape of a face mask. If you're a lady and/or a prepubescent boy, ask a local bio-scientist to change your genetics for you. If all else fails, take a razor and seek to borrow one from a nearby human male.
Change your home address to "PIZZA HUT'S RETURN POST DEPOT". Get free, if slightly faulty, pizza delivered to your doorstep all day long, at no extra expense to you!
Housemates/shared occupants getting on your nerves in the lockdown? Simply contract COVID-19, then cough onto your fists to inflict extra poison-damage during your regularly scheduled home brawls.
Never watch another advert again. Next time an advert interrupts your day, just mute the volume on your device, close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, and chant "na na na na na" repeatedly until the advert ends.
Keep track of all your possessions, and never lose an item again, by sticking a brightly neon-coloured post-it note onto each and every item in your possession, and then write down the items exact global coordinates onto each post-it note. Should you ever misplace an item, simply read the attached post-it note on it to quickly and easily find where the item is located.
Struggling to keep your ch
Worried you won't be able to attend a loved one's funeral due to the strict social-distancing laws and regulations during the pandemic? Just simply die before they do, then it'll be their problem to worry about, not yours!
Start getting into the practise of placing any teabags into boiling hot water before consuming, to kill off any and all viruses on the bags or in the tea leaves.
Take full advantage of the lockdown. Organise a house party at least once per day, and invite everyone you hate to it, and then feel that sheer exuberant blissful joy that only comes when the people you hate call you to cancel their attendance to your party.
Working from home during the lockdown? After the pandemic ends, make sure to sue your boss for unpaid overtime. Because you've been at your workplace/work-station (your home) for like 22(+) hours a day, 7 days a week, for the whole duration of the lockdown, this renders the suit an open and shut case. Cha-ching!
Self-employed and working from home during the lockdown? Sue yourself afterwards for unpaid overtime! Whatever money you win in the resultant lawsuit, just simply agree to loan your winnings back to yourself at 15% of the interest rate so you're not left out of pocket and you'll also make a lot of profit for yourself in the process. Cha-ching!
Feeling horny with no one available to fuck during the lockdown? Dress up precisely one half of your body from head to toe as the person you're most sexually attracted to, and proceed to masturbate in front of a full-length mirror. You'll hardly notice just how desperately alone and horny you are as you reach and enjoy your climax.
Running out of fun video games to play? Gather some willing rats, attach the inner workings of a remote control car inside of their abdomens, and then race them! This is made even more fun if you get your neighbours to make their own remote-controlled rats as well, then you can hold safely conducted, social-distance observed, remote-controlled rat-races outside your homes on the empty streets.
Save some time in the morning, by preparing and eating your breakfast in the middle of the night, whilst you're asleep.
Prevent how often you need to risk going outside on a supply run to the shops, by legally changing your address of residency to that of your favourite supermarket aisle. You'll no longer ever need to leave your home to go shopping, as you'll already be there!
Worried about getting infected with COVID-19 on your travels to a foreign country? Simply infect yourself with COVID-19 from a local person in your local area before your holiday. A foreign strand of COVID-19 cannot infect you if you've already obtained the virus locally.
If you find yourself struggling to fight off a COVID-19 infection and are close to dying from it, loudly declare to a passing police officer that you are refusing to consent to being infected by the virus. COVID-19 cannot legally continue with infecting you without your expressed consent to it.
If the virus continues to infect you against your will, try dying. The virus is unable to survive for long inside of a dead body, so once the virus either leaves your body or dies inside of it, ask a trusted friend to resurrect you. You'll then be free to live the rest of your life without the virus bothering you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This has all been not very good advice whatsoever. Ms. Angelica Cream does not take any responsibility to any individual(s) who follow any advice found here, and end up hospitalised, maimed, injured, bankrupt, financially worse off, bloody, sore, achy, dead, or in any other way negatively inconvenienced in your personal and professional life as a result. If you follow any instruction or advice found in this post, you are doing so under your own volition and personal responsibility, to which only yourself is accountable for doing. Please apply and execute logic, reasoning, and common-sense in your life as best you can during this time, and at all future times.
5 years ago
