Am I Human?

This is a bit of a different post to my usual fair.

Honestly, this post is more akin to just the ramblings of a tormented and deranged madwoman's mind. But hey, this medium of expression is much cheaper than therapy! lol :D

But the main reason I'm blogging this, is just because I'm curious to see if anyone else experiences 'the human world' in the same way that I do, or whether I am a truly unique and very messed up individual indeed! ...No points for guessing the correct answer haha :P




I guess I should start off by telling you, the last time I ever truly felt human, was when I was 6 years old. Just before the cruelty of life took a baseball bat to my soul. After that, and ever since then, I've never really felt like a human being at all.

Oh sure, I look like a human. I talk like a human. I walk like a human. I eat, sleep, fuck, play, defecate, wash, dress, work, pay, bleed, cry, smile, sing and dance like a human. In every respect, and for all intents and purposes, I appear and seem every bit as human as the next human being. But I don't feel human.

I haven't felt human in such a very, very long time. I've totally forgotten what human feels like.

I feel more like a strange alien creature on an alien planet, surrounded by native beings of the planet who, though similar in appearance to me and with the same basic biological demands for self-preservation as my own, are vastly different to me in terms of how they function and experience their world. It's like the native beings are plugged into their home planet, whereas I'm unplugged from it all.

I am merely just going through the same motions as them while I'm on their planet, as it's beneficial to my self-preservation to do so. I mean, if I were to ever stop behaving like the native beings do and started doing my own thing, I'd quickly find myself dying in great agony lol



Whenever I see strangers on the street passing me by from all walks of life, I always look at them and think to myself, "We could strike up a conversation together, and we could talk until the cows come home about our lives and each other, but I could never truly relate to you on anything more than the most base of levels and understanding o_o"

I am so different from every one else. I can't experience or perceive life the same way that their consciousness does, so therefor no matter how similar we are, we'll always be totally different. We'll never truly live the same lives.

Granted, for all I know, I could just be a brain in a jar in some lab, having electric shocks delivered to certain neural nodes and pathways in a very specific way to force me to perceive and experience this thing called "reality", and there'd be no way for me to ever distinguish the difference between the "real" reality and the "fake" reality lol

But with no scientific way to prove otherwise, I just have no choice but to accept this reality I'm in as the "real" one and so I must submit to its rules and laws, regardless of whether I like it or not.


I know everybody perceives themselves as the main character in their own story. Or at least, that's what I'm told. I have no possible way to actually verify this :P for all I know, I could just be the only real active conscious in the universe, and everybody/everything else is just a pure figment of my imagination. Or I could just be a figment of somebody else's consciousness and imagination, and I don't really exist beyond that realm.

But with no scientific way to prove otherwise, I just have no choice but to accept that we're all entirely unique independent conscious minds, going about our own lives as our own main character, independent of others.

Though it is worth noting, that I genuinely feel like I'm a character-controlled player in a virtual open world, and everybody else I encounter in it is just an NPC whose lives are very convincing as being real, to make what would be a false reality seem a little more believably real to my consciousness. It really helps to suspend my disbelief by making life seem as real as possible, in that regard.





I envy the native people of this planet, in this reality of mine. I envy people who can just experience life without a second thought or doubt. I wish I could be like them. I wish I could be in a group of people, laughing and chatting and joking the time away with them, without ever feeling like the imposter in the group who doesn't really belong in the group. I'll always be the odd one out.

Because that's how I experience life. Even when I'm having the time of my life with another person(s) doing the things that humans do, I always feel like I'm really an imposter -- an alien creature whose just pretending to be human like they are, even if the interaction with them does feel so real and genuine and true to me. I expect at any moment for some agency like MiB to burst into the room and be like, "You're not one of us!" and zap me in the head with an advanced sci-fi ray-gun lol




I'm sure some of you reading this are now concerned, perhaps you're thinking this sounds a lot like how some deranged psychopathic serial killer would justify taking human lives lol but don't worry, I wouldn't ever physically harm a human (except in self-defence or to protect other humans).

Honestly, I may not feel like a human myself, but 90% of the human race seem like rather cute creatures to me :P and any human who befriends me, I think of them as being my adorable cute pet for me to take care of and make their life a little easier for them whilst giving me great joy and pleasure in interacting with them :D

It's just I don't ever feel like I'm actually one of them. I'm not human. I'm something else entirely. I just appear human.

Anyone else ever feel that way? Or is it just me?